Kaimana Klassik, February 2002

I played at Kaimana (on Oahu, Hawaii) in February 2002 with "Southern Discomfort", a team of players with some kind of Southern connection or other, ranging from "I live in Texas" to "I can find the South on a map of the United States...I think." Here's the team:

We went 6-2, losing in semis. I played somewhere between terribly and rather poorly except for two games; quarterfinals was my only good game. Anyway, someone (Chris Hurwitz, I think) sent an email to the team asking how things went at the tournament; here's my response, an email to the whole team:

Day 1:

Game 1: I think game 1 was against Sarcastic Fringeheads, a largely Bay-area group that saw us as potentially upset-able. Doug preached to us before the game. We let them hang around in the game for quite a while. I played poorly. Salsa put up some big numbers with pulls, with about 5 consecutive ones going out of bounds before we finally stopped giving him the disc. Some guy from Hawaii we picked up, James, was the only one to put in real defensive effort. But largely because Fringeheads weren't very good, we eventually pulled away for a solid victory. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

Game 2: Some other not-very-good team, I forget which. Doug preached before the game. I don't remember anything about this game, but it's safe to say that Kevin and Josh touched the disc a lot, and Seanny Mac scored a lot of goals. I played poorly. The Kid played really lazy D but still managed to get several interceptions. James was the only one to play hard D. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

Game 3: Our big challenge of the day, against Aukland A's, some Kiwis plus a bunch of Bay-area guys including Cocoa, Ozzie, Rubes, etc. Doug preached before the game. I played poorly. Salsa pulled the disc out of bounds more. Seanny Mac got hit hard about five times. Someone broke Rama's rib (or perhaps he broke it laughing at one of Darryl's comments). Ozzie absolutely killed us, scoring about 5 times and getting several nice D's. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to teach him how to play ;) The Kid played really lazy D but still managed to get several interceptions. (James was the only one to play hard D). The score was tied when the time cap went on, next point wins. The bad guys won. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

Day 2:

Game 1: We played some horrible Hawaiian team that couldn't do anything right. Still, I managed to play poorly. We won by about 80. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

Interlude...a bunch of us went body-surfing at the beach. Such fun! My ankle, which I had twisted in the last game of the previous day, miraculously improved.

Game 2: Honu's Nest, I think, a Hawaiian team. For the first time all weekend, I did not suck, although I didn't play well either. Salsa pulled the disc out of bounds more. The Kid played really lazy D but still managed to get several interceptions. (James was the only one to play hard D). Rama hung around and took, um, ribbing about being such a wuss as to let a broken rib stop him from playing. I think that literally every time the thrower called for a particular person, it was Seanny Mac. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

Game 3: Feral, a pretty good team from Australia. Not as good as us, though. And yet, they played like they were. The Kid played really lazy D but still managed to get several interceptions. (James was the only one to play hard D). I played OK. I think Weems made some notably good plays..realize that I'm not mentioning the routinely good plays that everybody always made. We won by one point. AJ pulled out the moonshine after the game.

After the game, we gave Feral an "Us/Them" cheer, prompted by Oetter:

"US!" (raising hands in victory)

"THEM!" (crushing bug underfoot)

"US!" (hefting big tits)

"THEM!" (rubbing flat chest)

"US!" (extend big stiff forearm)

"THEM!" (extend floppy pinkie finger)

"US!" (head back in ecstasy, pressing imaginary head into crotch)

"THEM!" (fist in front of mouth, mouth open to suck imaginary cock)

"US!" (thrusting hips)

"THEM!" (bending over to present ass to be fucked)

Haw, such laffs like you wouldn't believe! They then gave us a nice, incredibly long, extremely crude cheer...the only verses I remember in full are "Who can take a ski pole/ sharpen up the tip/ shove it down your throat until he feels your anus rip?/ The Southern Disc man, the Southern Disc man", and "Who can take a glass rod/ stick it up your dick/ then put it on the table and smash it with a brick?/ The Southern Disc man, the Southern Disc man". I wish I could remember the capper, "Who can take a baby/ cover it with oil/ then fuck it in the soft spot 'til ???"...anyone recall that?

Day 3:

Quarters: Our 5-1 record put us into quarters on Monday, as 5 seed I think, against Doughboys, another Aussie team. Oetter wasn't there at the start...there was speculation that this was related to the fact that he fell off the stage, drunk and naked, at the party the night before. On the other hand, Stu had finally arrived. Close game. I played my only good game of the tournament. We received the pull, turned it over, and went down 0-1. We more or less traded for a while, but then the Aussies pulled away by a couple so we were trading down 2 or 3 for a bit. Time was a-passing, and we started really rushing, thinking the cap was going to go on. People were running out to sub, we were pulling as soon as possible after the points, etc., etc. With us down 1 and the cap about to go on, the Doughboys took a time-out, drawing jeers and catcalls from our side. Right about this time, though, we discovered that the cap was NOT, in fact, about to go on: they were allotting an extra 45 minutes (or something) compared to the pool play games. Ha! Again, such laffs like you wouldn't believe! The Doughboys came around and asked if they could have another timeout, because they would have used theirs differently if they had known about the time. Hey, what a coincidence, they took a timeout they wouldn't have taken, and we _didn't_ take one that we normally woulda! Haw! At 14-14, hard-capped at 15, Stu did his tired old trick of taking the pull one-handed to start things off. Stu to...um, sorry, I forget who delivered the sweet pass...to Hammond in the end zone, and that's all she wrote, another one-point victory over an Aussie team. AJ broke out the moonshine after the game.

Semis: Let's not talk about semis.

So there you have it, an in-depth look at the unimportant part of the tournament, the games themselves. If it were just for that, I would have had just an OK time: I played poorly in several games, was only a factor in one of them, blah blah. But in fact, I had a terrific time, enough to motivate me to try to return to Ultimate after recovery from my surgery (had it yesterday, went fine, big ol' lesion in the articular cartilage, they did what they could with it) instead of just fading away as planned. Why so fun? Good companionship. One thing I really like about playing with a bunch of people I don't know is that I'm able to enjoy the good stuff without having built up the frustrations that inevitably come along when you get to know people better. I'm sure I'd hate all these guys if I really got to know them, but for one tournament it seemed like about the nicest, funnest bunch you could ever imagine! Thanks again, y'all, for letting me participate!

--Phil